cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My ass is underappreciated
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
