I wish my penis had an off switch
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
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