I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
