He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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