I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
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She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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