so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had sex on a roof
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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