if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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