my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
