Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
