I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
