You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
