I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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