He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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