Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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