What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
