Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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