Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
