I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
