my phone needs a breathalizer
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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