Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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