I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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