On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
