People with herpes should wear stickers.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
