I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
