Will you blow on my dice?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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