got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
