There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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