hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
