If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
