There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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