i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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