Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
