i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
