And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
