im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just had sex bonerless
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Someone signed my nipple.
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