I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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