If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
