Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
