Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
