yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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