I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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