something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
