This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
