I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There r osticjed everywhere
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
