Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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