His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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