When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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