Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
