Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
