i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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