Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
