Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
