Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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