There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
