So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
