Screwed.edu
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
