Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
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