My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
