when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
