He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
