i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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