just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
